Lets Pretend It's October 4...

No actually lets start at the beginning! Where does the beginning begin...lets see. We'll start with August 22, 2008. It was a hot day. The kind of day you sweat the second you step outside. It was the day I married Josh. After we got married we knew right away we wanted to have kids but I had to finish nursing school first.

 It was hard to watch our friends around us "start living" while we felt like our lives were on hold but I can say now it was well worth it. I FINALLY graduated December 8, 2010! I landed a job at Metro Health Hospital (after many drop-in's to the manager) as a nurse on Labor and Delivery! My first day was January 17 and I was so nervous! However, it is such a blessing because that is my dream job! (not every day but most days :) That's about the time Josh and I started TTC (trying to conceive) or more so stopped trying to prevent pregnancy. Four months later, when nothing had happened in April we decided to really TTC. By June I still wasn't pregnant and the new job and this TTC was too stressful. SO we took the summer "off" and went back to letting what happen happen. We did a lot of camping and kayaking. I called it our "Summer of Fun" (yes...guilty...I stole that from Giuliana Rancic).  Not sure if Josh knew I was calling it that. Maybe it was just in my head....anyways. In August we decided to once again TTC. I had been tracking my cycle and pretty much knew when I ovulated but I bought an ovulation kit anyways. I was going to show my cycle who was in charge! But then in September I found out my cycle hadn't been listening to me and I STILL wasn't pregnant. We went right back to TTC again in September but I was starting to feel like it wasn't going to happen...ever! I knew too many ppl who had problems TTC and I was convinced I was going to to.

On October 1st (Saturday) I decided to take a pregnancy test because I had a bachelorette party that night. I wasn't supposed to get my period for a couple of days but I was anxious to know and didn't want to be drinking if I was pregnant. It was negative and I started spotting later that day. Awesome.

Later that day I went to run some errands and picked up some KFC for lunch. (Don't judge!) There I am alone in the parking lot eating my not-so-healthy lunch, thinking about how yet another Facebook friend has just announced she's pregnant and a song comes on the radio. "While I'm Waiting" -John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy, no
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yea

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

At this point I start to cry. Yes cry. Why you ask? For many reasons. First because I'm feeling sorry for myself, second because I'm feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself and lastly because what this song is saying touches me. It stirs something deep within me. This is the person I want to be. I want to trust God that He knows what I need, when I need it and He has a plan. At that moment I knew God was telling me something and it gave me peace and hope. God always has a way of doing that to me. The little bit of Him that I can even know and can understand overwhelms me at times like this. I just want to be still and know He is God. It comforts me that I'm not in control but He is. It was just what I needed to hear.

I finish running my errands for the day and go to the Bachelorett Party. I end up talking to a couple of girls that I know have had their own stories related to TTC. It was nice to feel like I wasn't alone. The party bus was nice too hehe :)

I had to work the next night. (yes I work nights and its not my most favorite thing about my job). And I had to work the next night. By the end of my shift (Tuesday Morning October 4th) I am still spotting. "This isn't like me" I'm thinking. "I never spot for days...whats going on?" "I shouldn't take a PT because if it is positive I won't be able to sleep and I have to work tonight!" "But if I don't take one these what-ifs are going me make me go insane!" This is all going on in my head. But what do I do when I get home. I take a PT. Yup! And I stare at it...I don't walk away like normal people do I...no. I watch as one pink line appears. "Yup I knew it, " I'm thinking, "Why did I even take another stupid test? The one 2 days ago was negative too." Then the strangest thing happens. There seems to be yet another pink line forming. This is the point where I get a shiver of excitement and fear zap down my spine. I just keep watching as it gets darker and darker. Then I re-read the instructions on the box just to be sure those 2 lines are telling me what I think they're telling me. WOW...really I can't believe it! Now I don't know what to do. I'm pregnant!

 Do I call Josh...do I wait till he gets home. NO! It's 8 am...I can't wait that long. SO I call him. His first response is "are you sure?' He can't believe it either. Then he tells me not to get too excited yet. I know this is because we know so many ppl who have lost their pregnancy's in the first trimester. But it still errks me that he can't just be happy. But he says he's happy and I know he is but he's worried to. I'm worried as well. I work OB...I know EVERYTHING that can go wrong! But I'm trying not to worry. God is in control and that gives me comfort.

After I hang up the phone I have to tell Alicia. I mean I just have to! Josh said I can't tell anyone else though. So I call her. She is so excited for me too. I talk about my worries and she listens. I always feel better after I talk to her. Then I decide to go to sleep. Which as I predicted doesn't work. I wake up a lot and then I finally give up at 3.

Josh gets home shortly there after. He wants me to take another PT just to be sure. So I do and it's just as fun as the first time to watch 2 pink lines appear. What isn't so fun is working that night because I am tired and I have the worst heart burn in the world. Nothing helps. Not even a whole bottle of Tums.

Today is actually Oct 11. My sisters birthday. I am 5wks and 1 day according to my LMP. I have my first OBGYN appt on November 8. But I'm hoping to get a friend at work to do a ultra sound at wk 7 and maybe even use a Doppler to hear babies heart beat. One of the many perks to working in OB!

I haven't told many friends or family yet. I'll share those stories later...my fingers hurt from all this typing :) I just wanted to pretend it was Oct 4 because thats the day I found out I am going to be a mommy!!!